Relationship advice

relationship advice

When I got married about three years ago, at the wedding reception I asked some old and sensible people, who were attending to their wife for a few words of advice so that my wife would be convinced and I (same ) No. bed. I think a lot of newlyweds do this - ask for relationship advice, I mean, not a single bed - especially after a few cocktails from an open bar they pay for the bus.

But then I felt that with access to hundreds, thousands of smart, amazing people through my website, I could go one step further. Why not consult my readers? Why not ask them for their best relationship / marriage advice? Why not apply all their knowledge and experience directly to anything and to any relationship, no matter what you are?

Why not be the source of the crowd guide the ultimate guidelines to end all the related guides from smart and loving partners and the sea of lovers coming to markmanson.net?

This is what I asked: anyone who has been married for 10+ years, and is still happy in their relationship. . . What lessons will you give to others if you can? What is working for you and your partner? Also, what people who are divorced did not work earlier?

The response was overwhelming. About 1,500 people returned to me, many of whom sent answers measured in pages, not paragraphs. It took weeks to comb with all of them, but what I found shocked me.

For a start, they were all incredibly repetitive.

This is not an insult - in fact, it is the opposite, not to mention, a relief. Answers came from all walks of life of smart and well-spoken people, from all over the world, each with its own history, tragedies, mistakes, and victories. . . And yet they were all saying dozens of the same things.

Which means those dozen or so things have to be very important and they work:

1. Toggle for the correct report

Before we start doing what to do in your relationship, what not to do.

"Never be with someone because someone else pressured you. I married first because I was Catholic and I got what you were going to do. Wrong. I got married a second time because I was sad and lonely and Thought a loving wife would fix everything for me. Also wrong. The three of me tried to figure out what should have happened from the beginning, the only reason you ever knew that It should be with the person who is with you because you just like being around them. In fact it is that easy. "

When I sent my request to readers for advice, I asked people who were in their second or third (or fourth) marriage that they had done something wrong the first time.

By far, the most common answer was "with the person for the wrong reasons."

Some of these incorrect reasons include:

Pressure from friends and family

Looks like a "loser" because they were single and settling for the first person to come along

For the image to be together - not because the relationship looked good on paper (or in the photo), not because the two people really admired each other.

Being young and gullible and hopeless in love and thinking that love will solve everything.

Everything that makes a relationship "work" (and by work, I mean it's happy and sustainable for both people) requires a genuine, deep level of appreciation for each other. Without that mutual appreciation, everything else will unravel.

There is a second "wrong" reason for entering into a relationship, such as Greg telling himself to "fix" it. This desire to use someone else's love to soothe their own emotional problems leads to codependence, an unhealthy and hurtful dynamic between two people where each other's love for each other's self-hatred There is a tacit agreement to use as a distraction. We will go more into codependence later, but as of now, it is useful to indicate the love that is neutral. This is something that can be both healthy or unhealthy, helpful or harmful, it depends on why and how you love someone else and love someone else. In itself, love is never enough to sustain a relationship.

2. Real relationship is about relationship and romance

"You can be unflinching with each other every single day for the rest of your life, and all of this 'with happiness' is setting people up for failure anytime soon. They are in relationships with these unrealistic expectations. Goes. Then, they realize that they are no longer 'Gaga', they feel that the relationship is broken and over, and they need to get out. No! When you get all silly in love. , Then the day, or week, or maybe even longer. You'll wake up in the morning and start thinking, "Oo, you're still here ..."

It's normal. And more importantly, stick it out. Well worth it, because ... in a day, or in a week, or maybe even longer, you will see that person and a huge wave of love will thrill you, and you will love them so much that You think you A heart cannot possibly catch it all. It is about to burst. Because a love that is alive is also constantly evolving. It spreads and shrinks and swells and deepens. It is not happening the way it is. The way it used to be, or the way it would be, and it should not be. I think that if more couples understood, they would have less inclination to panic and break up or divorce. "

- paula

In ancient times, people actually considered love as a disease. The parents warned their children against this, and the adults quickly arranged the marriage before their children were old enough to do something dumb behind their out-of-control feelings.

This is because love — though able to make us feel jittery and high, was because we snatched a showbox full of cocaine — which could also make us highly irrational. We all know that the boy (or girl) who dropped out of school, sold his car, and spent the money to spread it on the beaches of Tahiti. We all also know how the same boy (or girl) and how he looked like a fool a few years later, not to mention broken up.

The way we love nature is the nature of remembering to deceive us to do crazy and irrational things. If we stop long enough to think about the consequences of having children, do not always refer to being with the same person and sometimes do so. As Robin Williams once said, "God gave man a brain and a penis and enough blood to operate only one blood at a time."

Blind romantic love is a trap designed to make two people ignore each other's flaws so that some children can. It usually only lasts for a few years. The one who elevates you, you look into your lover's eyes, as if they are the stars that make heaven - yes, it also goes away. Once it is gone, you need to know that you have attached yourself to a person with whom you have true respect and enjoy being together, otherwise things are becoming stony.

True love - that is, deep, a kind of loving love that is impervious to emotional whims or imagination - is a constant commitment to a person, regardless of current circumstances. This is a constant commitment to a person you think will not always make you happy - and neither should they! - And a person who will need to trust you, just like you will trust them.

That form of love is more difficult, mainly because it often does not feel very good. It is uneven; Lots of doctor visits in the morning; It is cleaning the bodily fluids, rather you are not cleaning. It also deals with another person's insecurity and fear when you don't want to.

But this form of love is far more satisfying and meaningful as well. And, at the end of the day, it brings true happiness, not just another high chain.

"Happiness is never present after" Every day you wake up and decide to love your partner and your life - the good, the bad and the ugly. Some days it is a struggle and some days you feel like the luckiest person in the world. "

- Star

Most people do not reach this deep, unconditional love. They become accustomed to the ups and downs of romantic love. They are in it to feel, so to speak. And when feelings come out, they do.

Some people compensate for something they lack or hate within themselves as a relationship. This is a one-way ticket to a toxic relationship because it makes your love conditional - you will love your partner as long as they help you feel better about yourself. You will only give them as long as they give you. You will be able to make them happy as long as they make you happy.

This conditionality prevents any true, deep-level intimacy from emerging, and chains the relationship of each individual's internal plays.

3. The most important factor in a relationship is not communication, but the result

"What I can tell you is the # 1 thing... Respect. It is not sexual attraction, feeling, shared goals, religion or lack, nor is it love. There are times when you are your partner. Don't feel love for. But you never want to lose respect for your partner. Once you lose respect, you'll never take it back. "

- Laurie

As I scanned through the hundreds of responses I received, I began to notice an interesting trend: People who talked almost always through divorce saw communication as the most important part of making things work. Let's talk again and again. open you. Talk about everything, even if it hurts.

And it has some merit (which I'll get to later).

But I noticed that people with more than 20, 30 or 40 years of happy marriages were the most respected.

My understanding is that these people, through the sheer amount of experience, have learned that communication - no matter how open, transparent and disciplined - will break at some point. Conflicts are far more inevitable and feelings will always hurt.

And the only thing that can save you and your partner, which can pillow you both the hard landing of human downfall, is an unwavering respect for each other. It is important that you hold each other in high regard, believe in each other - often more than each other you believe in yourself - and trust that your partner is in whatever way you have got. Doing his best with

Without that basis of respect, you will begin to doubt each other's intentions. You will judge your partner's choice, and infringe on their freedom. You will feel the need to hide things from each other for fear of criticism. And this is when cracks begin to appear in the crack.

“My husband and I have been together for 15 years. I thought a lot about what seems to keep us together while the marriages around us crumble (seriously, it's everywhere. We feel that age). One word that keeps coming back to me is "respect." Of course, this means showing respect, but it is very superficial. Just showing it is not enough. You have to feel it deep within yourself. I deeply and genuinely respect [my husband] for his work ethic, his patience, his creativity, his intelligence and his core values. Everything else comes from this honor - trust, patience, perseverance (because sometimes life is really hard and both of you just have to persevere). I want to hear what he has to say (even if I don't agree with it)

Him) because I respect his opinion. I want to enable him to give us some free time within our busy lives because I respect how he spends his time and who he spends with. And, in fact, this mutual respect means that we feel safe sharing the deepest, most intimate selves with each other. "

- Nicole

Along with honoring your partner, you should also respect yourself (just as your partner should also respect him). Because without that self-respect, you will not feel worthy of the respect borne by your partner - you will not be ready to accept it and you will find ways to reduce it. You will feel the need to constantly compensate and prove yourself worthy of love, which can only backfire.

Respect for one's partner and respect for oneself are interlinked. As another reader put it:

"Honor yourself and your wife. Never talk badly about him. If you do not respect your wife, you do not respect yourself. You chose that - live on that option. "

-Olav

So, what does respect look like?

Common examples given by many readers:

Never talk about your partner or complain to your friends about them. If you have a problem with your partner, you should interact with them, not with anyone else. Speaking ill about your partner with others will destroy your respect for them and make you feel bad about the relationship, not better.

Respect that they have different hobbies, interests and attitudes. Just because you will spend your time and energy differently does not mean that it is better / worse. Respect that they say the same in the relationship that you are a team, and if one person in the team is not happy, the team is not succeeding.

No secret. If you are truly together and you respect each other, then everything should be fair play. Have a crush on someone else? Discuss this Laugh about it was weird sexual fantasy that sounds ridiculous? Be open about it. Nothing should be off-limits.

4. Make sure to eat completely, stuffed Hearts correctly

"We always talk about what we have to bother with each other, not someone else [along]! We have a lot of friends who are in marriages who are not doing well, and they Everyone tells me what's wrong. I can't help them — they need to talk to their spouse about it. If you can figure out a way to be able to always talk to your spouse, come What issues can you work on? "

- Ronnie

"There can be no mystery. Raj distributes you. always."

- Tracy

Each week I receive hundreds of emails from readers asking for life advice. A large percentage of these emails involve difficulties in romantic relationships. (For what it's worth, these emails are also surprisingly repetitive.)

A few years ago, I discovered that I was replying to many of these relationship emails with the same response: "Send this email to me now, print it, and show it to your partner." Then come back and ask again. "

(In fact, this response became so common that I actually put it on my contact form on the site because I was so tired of copying and pasting it.)

If something bothers you in a relationship, you should be willing to say it out loud. Doing so creates trust, and trust builds intimacy. It may hurt, but you still need to do it because no one else can fix your relationship for you. The way your muscles ache allows them to be strengthened back, introducing some pain into your relationship through vulnerability makes the relationship stronger.

With respect, trust was the most commonly mentioned important trait for a healthy relationship. Most people mentioned it in terms of jealousy and loyalty - trust your partner to get away from themselves, if you see them talking with someone else, won't be insecure or angry, etc.

But trust is much deeper than whether someone is cheating or not. Because when you are talking about a really long run, you have to be in the grip of some serious life-or-death. If you found out that you had cancer yesterday, would you trust your partner to be with you and take care of you? Would you trust your partner to take care of your child for a week or more? Do you trust them to handle your money or make sound decisions under pressure? Do you trust them, they don't turn on you or blame you when you screw up?

These are difficult questions, and it is also difficult to think quickly in a relationship. Like, "Oh, I forgot my phone in her apartment, I believe she won't sell it and buy crack with money ... I guess."

But the deeper the commitment, the greater the difference in your life, and you have to trust your partner responsibly and take care of you.

If you cannot trust, you cannot be trusted. Distress will breed mistrust. If your partner is always flabbergasted through your baggage, accusing you of doing what you did, and questioning all of your decisions, naturally, you question their intentions as well Will start: Why is he so insecure? What if he is hiding something?

The key to building and maintaining trust in a relationship is for both partners to be completely transparent and vulnerable:

5. India has a two-year relationship in a healthy relationship

"Understand that it is up to you to make yourself happy, it is not your spouse's job. I am not saying that you should not do good work for each other, or that your partner cannot make you happy sometimes. I'm just saying don't set expectations on your partner to make you happy. It is not their responsibility. Understand as individuals what makes you happy as a person, then you bring each one into the relationship. "

- Mandy

Everyone talks about "sacrifice" in a relationship. You are going to keep the relationship happy by constantly sacrificing yourself for your partner and their wishes and needs.

It is true that every relationship requires each person to give something on time consciously. The problem comes when all the happiness of the relationship depends on the other person, and both people are in a constant state of sacrifice. Just read it again. Isn't it terrible? A relationship based on continuous and mutual sacrifices cannot be sustained and will eventually become harmful to both individuals.

"Shitty, the codependent relationship has an inherent stability because the two of you are locked into an implicit bargain to tolerate each other's bad behavior because they are not tolerating you, nor do any of you want to be Wants to On the surface, it seems like [compromising in relationships] "because people do it," but the reality is that resentment builds up, and both sides face the other person's emotional hostage and with their own Behave. Nonsense (it took me 14 years, this way).

- Karen

A healthy and happy relationship requires two healthy and happy individuals. Keywords here: "individuals". It means two people with their own identities, their own interests and attitudes, and the things they do themselves, on their own time.

This is why attempts to control their partner (or to control themselves over their partner) eventually "backfire" in order to "please" them - it allows each person's personal identity to be destroyed, The very identities attracted each other and brought them together. In the first place.

"Don't try to change them. This is the person you've chosen. They were good enough to get married, so they no longer expected change.

- All India

"Never give up for the person you are with. It will only backfire and make both of you unhappy. Have the courage to be who you are, and most importantly, let your partner be who they are. Those two There are people who fell in love with each other at first. "

- Dave

But how does one do this? Some hundreds and hundreds of successful couples have answered this in their email:

6. Arrive at another location

"Make sure you have your own life, otherwise it's hard to have a life together. Have your own interests, your own friends, your own support networks and your own hobbies. Overlap where you can, but not being equal Because of that you should give something to talk about ... and helps expand your horizons as a couple. "

- James

One of the most routine things people were in contact with was what to do with the importance of creating space and isolation from a partner.

People sang the praises of having different checking accounts, different credit cards, different friends and hobbies, taking different holidays from each other every year (this has been a big one in my own relationship). Some even went so far as to recommend separate bathrooms and separate bedrooms.

Some people are afraid of giving their partner freedom and independence. It comes from a lack of trust and / or insecurity that if we give our partner too much space, they will find that they no longer want to be with us. Usually, the more uncomfortable we are with our own abilities in the relationship, the more we will try to control our partner's behavior.

More importantly, our colleagues have the inability to be who they are, a subtle form of disrespect. After all, if you can't trust your husband on a simple golfing trip with your friends, or you are afraid to let your wife out for a drink after work, then she is all about her ability to handle herself. What does it say appropriately? What does your respect for yourself say? After all, if you believe that a pair of drinks after work is enough to get your partner away from you, then you obviously don't think too much about yourself.

"If you love your partner so much, you'll let them be who they are - you're not their own, who they hang out with, what they do or how they feel. Makes me mad when I see that women do not let their husbands go out with boys or be jealous of other women. "

- Natalie

7. You and your partner can grow and will change the joint salary; embrace it

“Over the course of 20 years both of us have undergone tremendous changes. We have changed beliefs, political parties, many hair colors and styles, but we love each other and possibly even more [as we once did]. Our grown children constantly tell their friends how romantic we are. And the biggest thing that keeps us strong is not what anyone else says about our relationship.

- Doti

A theme that came up repeatedly, especially with married people of 20+ years, is how much each person will change as the decades roll, and how much each of you has to be willing to adopt these changes. A reader commented that at her wedding, an elderly member of the family told her, "One day many years from now, you will wake up and your spouse will be a different person - make sure you fall in love with that person too." Huh."

It follows that if each person's interests and values are respected on the basis of their relationship, and each individual is encouraged to promote his or her own growth and development, which each individual, Over time, it develops in different and unexpected ways. This is for the couple to communicate and ensure that they are constantly aware of the changes happening in their partner and b) are constantly accepting and respecting those changes as they occur.

And I'm not talking about the small stuff; I am talking about some very serious life changes. Remember, if you are going to spend decades together, some very heavy dirt will break (and break) the fan. Amidst major life changes people told me that their weddings (and living) took place: changes in religions; Moving country; Death of family members (including children); Supporting elderly family members; Changing political beliefs; Even changing sexual orientation; And in the cases of a couple, realizing gender identity.

Surprisingly, these couples survived because their respect for each other allowed them to adapt and allow each person to continue to flourish and grow.

"When you are committed to someone, you don't really know what you're committed to. You know who they are today, but you have no idea that this person is going to be in five years, ten years. You have to be prepared for the unexpected, and if you admire this person regardless of the superficial (or not-so-superficial) details, then rightly ask yourself, because at any point I [those details] I am going to promise almost everyone. Or go away. "

- Michael

Being open to this amount of change is not easy at all; In fact, it would be downright soul-destroying. And that's why you need to make sure that you and your partner know how to fight.

8. Good for Fighting

“Relationship is a living, breathing thing. Like much of the body and muscles, it cannot be strong without tension and challenge. You have to fight You have to hash things. Obstacles make marriage. "

- Ryan

John Gottman is a hot-shit psychologist and researcher who has spent more than 30 years analyzing married couples looking for why they stick together (and why they break up). In fact, when it comes to "Why do people stick together?"

What Gottman does is that he captures married couples in a room, puts some cameras on them, and then he asks them to notice a notice: He doesn't ask them to talk about it that the other person does. How great He does not ask them what they like about their relationship. He asks them to fight — they say they are picking up something they have a problem with and talk about the camera.

Gottman then analyzes the couple's discussion (or shouting match) and is able to predict — with shocking accuracy — whether a couple will have to divorce.

But what is most interesting about Gottman's research is that the things that lead to divorce are not necessarily what you can imagine. They found that successful couples, like unsuccessful couples, constantly fight. And some of them fight furiously.

Gottman has been able to deduce four characteristics of a couple that lead to divorce (or breakup). He has called these "four horsemen" in his books in relation to the apocalypse:

Criticizing your partner's character ("You're so silly" vs. "What you did was silly."
Blame defensiveness (or basically, shifting, "I haven't done that if you're not all the time.")
Contempt (degrade your partner and degrade them)
Stoning (stepping back from an argument and ignoring your partner)
The reader email sent this back to all of you as well. Of the 1,500 I found, almost every one mentioned the importance of dealing well with conflict.

Advice given by readers includes:

Never insult or name your partner. Put another way: hate sin, love sinner. Gottman's research found that "contempt" - believing and disqualifying a partner - is a number one predictor of divorce.

Do not bring past quarrels / arguments into the present. This resolves nothing and makes the fight double than before. Yes, you forgot to bring groceries on the way home, but what is the last time your mother feels bad for her?

If things get too hot, breathe a sigh of relief. Remove yourself from the situation and return after the feelings have calmed down a bit. This is a big deal for me personally - sometimes when things get intense with my wife, I get overwhelmed and just give up. I usually walk around the block 2-3 times and allow myself to separate a bit. Then I come back and we are both a bit quiet and we can resume the discussion with a more melodious tone.

Remember that being "right" is not as important as being respectful and feeling both people are. You may well be right, but if you are right in a way that makes your partner feel unaffected, there is no real winner.

But all of this takes for another important point: the desire to fight in the first place.

When people talk about the need for "good communication" all the time, it should mean: be prepared for uncomfortable negotiations; Be prepared for fights; Say ugly things and get it out in the open.

This was a constant theme of divorced readers — more or less the tragic story told in dozens:

"But there is no way on God's green earth. This alone is his fault." There were times when I saw huge red flags. Instead of trying to figure out what was wrong with the world, I just vowed further. I don't buy more flowers, or candy, or do more work around the house. I was a "good" husband in every sense of the word. But what I wasn't doing was paying attention to the right things ... and instead of saying something, I ignored all the signs. "

- Gym

9. Get Good at Forgiveness

"When you're finally getting right about something - shut up. You can be right and be quiet at the same time. Your partner will know you in advance that you're right and it's good to know you Looks like you didn't see it like a bastard sword. "

- Brian

"In marriage, there is nothing like winning an argument."

- Bill

Perhaps the most interesting nugget from Gottman's research is the fact that most successful couples do not actually solve all their problems. In fact, their findings were completely backwards to what most people really expect: people in lasting and happy relationships have problems that never go away completely, while those couples who feel that They need to agree and compromise on everything, feel sad and broken. .

It comes back to honor. If you have two different individuals sharing a life together, it is inevitable that they will have different values and perspectives on certain things and collide with them. The key here is not to change the other person - as the desire to change your partner is inherently degrading (to both them and yourself) - rather it is only to follow the difference, however love them, And when things get a bit rough around the edges, forgive them for that.

"Everyone says agreement is important, but it's not how my husband and I see it. It's more about trying to understand. Compromise is nonsense, because it leaves both parties dissatisfied, to get along. Loses small pieces of himself in an attempt to. On the other hand, refusing to compromise is simply a disaster, as you turn your partner into a contestant ("I win, you are Su go "). These are the wrong goals, because they are outcome-based rather than process-based. When your goal is to find out where your partner is coming from - to really understand at a deeper level - You can't help but change with the process. Conflict becomes much easier because you see... Context. "

- Michelle

I have written regularly that the key to happiness is not achieving your lofty dreams, or experiencing some dizzy spells, but rather the struggles and challenges you enjoy to endure.

It is the same in relationships: Your perfect partner is not the one who has no problem in the relationship. Rather, your perfect partner has problems that you like to deal with.

But how do you get forgiveness? What does this actually mean? Here's what the readers had to say:

When an argument is over, it is over. Some couples went on to make this golden rule in their relationship. When you're fighting, it doesn't matter who was right and who was wrong, it doesn't matter if there was any meaning and someone was good, it's over. And both of you have to agree to leave it there, and not have to bring it every month for the next one hundred years.

There is no scoreboard no one is trying to "win". Nobody is like, "You have roasted me because you spoiled the laundry last week?" , "I bought her three gifts and she did me only one favor." Everything in a relationship should be given unconditionally and given unconditionally.

When your partner screws up, you separate intentions from behavior. You recognize the things you love and admire in your partner and understand that he / she was simply doing the best that they could yet mess out of ignorance. This did not happen because he was a bad person; Not because they secretly hate you and want to divorce you; Not because someone else in the background is pulling them away from you. They are a good person — so you are with them. If you ever lose your faith in their well being, you will begin to erase your faith in yourself.

And finally, pick your battle wisely. You and your partner only have a lot of crap to give, make sure both of you are saving them for the real thing that matters.

"Happily married 40+ years." One piece of advice that comes to mind: Choose your battle. Some things matter, [and are] worth bothering about. Most not. Argue over small things and you will find yourself arguing endlessly; Small things pop up throughout the day, taking a toll over time. Like Chinese water torture: slight in the short term, corrosive over time. Consider: is it a small thing or a big deal? Is it worth the cost of the debate? "

- Fred

10. Small things add big things

"If you don't make an appointment for lunch, go for a walk, or go to dinner and watch a movie with some regularity, then you basically end up with a roommate. It is important to stay connected with the ups and downs of life. Eventually, your children grow up, your obnoxious sibling will join a monastery, and your parents will die. When this happens, guess who is left? you got this . . . Mr. Smt. right! You don't want to wake up after 20 years and stare at a stranger because life broke the bonds you had made before the thunderstorms started. "

- Brian

Of the many responses I received, I say that half of them mentioned a simple but effective advice: Never stop doing small things. They add.

Things as simple as saying "I love you" before going to bed; Holding hands during a movie; Do small favors here and there; Helping with some household chores. Even cleaning when you accidentally urinate on the toilet seat (seriously, someone said that) - all these things matter and add up over a long period of time.

In the same way, Fred has been married for 40+ years, saying that arguing over trivial things rubs you both ("like Chinese water torture"), so a little favor and display of affection increases . Do not forget them.

This becomes especially important as children enter the picture. The big message I had heard hundreds of times about children was that of marriage earlier.

“Children are worshiped in our culture. Parents are expected to sacrifice everything for them. But the best way to raise healthy and happy children is to maintain a healthy and happy married life. Good children do not marry well. A good marriage makes good children. Therefore, make your marriage a top priority.

- Susan

Relationship advice from people with families

Regular "date nights", weekend weekends to plan weekends and even when you are tired, even when you are stressed and tired and the baby is crying, even when the junior is in junior football Even when practicing, the readers urged them at 5:30 am the next day. Take time for this. it's worth it.

11. Make practical, and related rules

"There is no 50/50 in housekeeping, child upbringing, vacation planning, dishwasher emptying, buying gifts, dinner, making money, etc. The sooner everyone accepts, the happier everyone is. We all have things we like to do and hate to do; we all have things we are good at and are not so good at. Tell your partner about those things when it A Is to divide all blather and comes to win, which is to meet in life. "

- Liz

Most people have an image in their mind about how a relationship should work. For many, these two people share responsibilities; Both manage to balance their time with their own time; Both pursue lucrative and encouraging interests on their own and then share a profit together; The two clean the toilet and cook each other for extended family on Thanksgiving and cook gourmet lasagna (though hopefully not at the same time).

Then how exactly relationships work: chaotic. Stressful. Flying communication everywhere so that both of you feel like you are in a good position to talk to the wall.

The fact that relationships are incomplete, mess matters. And it is for the simple reason that they consist of imperfect, messy people - people who want different things at different times in different ways.

The general subject of advice regarding the logistics of running the relationship was practical. If the wife is a lawyer and spends 50 hours in the office every week, and the husband is an artist and can work from home most days, then it makes more sense for him to handle his day-to-day upkeep duties Comes. If the wife's standard of cleanliness looks like the Home and Garden catalog, and it's been six months without the husband even noticing the light fixture hanging from the ceiling, then it makes sense that the wife has more duties of cleaning the house Handles.

This Economics 101: Division of Labor makes everyone better. Find out what you are good at each, what you love / hate each one, and then make arrangements accordingly. My wife loves cleanliness (very seriously), but she hates stinky stuff. So, guess who gets the dishes and garbage charges? I cannot eat the same plate seven times at a time and even when I was sleeping under my pillow, I cannot smell a dead rat.

On top of that, many couples suggested making rules for the relationship. To what extent will you share the finances? How much loan will be taken or repaid? How much can each person spend without consulting the other? Should purchases be made simultaneously, or do you trust each other to purchase separately? How do you decide which holidays will go?

Have meetings about this stuff. Sure, it's not sexy or cool, but it needs to be done. You are sharing a life together, so you have to plan and account for each person's needs and resources.

One person even said that she and her husband do "annual reviews" every year. He immediately told me that I should not laugh, but seriously this couple has an annual review where they discuss everything going on in the house and things that might not work in the coming year. Even if you think this kind of stuff seems lame, it keeps this pair in contact with each other. And because they always have their fingers to meet each other's needs, they are likely to grow together rather than grow apart.

12. To run waves

“I am married for 44 years (4 children, 6 grandchildren). I think the most important thing I have learned over the years is that the love you feel for each other is constantly changing. Sometimes you feel a deep love and satisfaction, other times you want nothing to do with your spouse; Sometimes you laugh together, sometimes you yell at each other. It is like a roller-coaster ride, there are ups and downs all the time, but when you stay together for a long time, the ups and downs become less severe, and the ups and downs are more loving and satisfying. . So even if you feel that you can never love your partner, if you give him a chance, he can change. I think people give up very soon. You need to be the kind of person you want your spouse to be. When you do this, it makes a difference. "

- Chris

One of the hundreds of emails I received is sticking with me. A nurse wrote to say that she worked with many pediatric patients. One day, she was talking to a man in her late 80s about marriage and why her marriage lasted so long, and he said, "Relationships exist in the form of waves - people need to know Needs how to ride them. " The old man left. Says that, like the ocean, there are constant waves of emotions moving within a relationship — some waves last for hours, some months or years. The key to success is to understand that some of those waves have nothing to do with the quality of the relationship - people lose jobs, family members die, couples move, careers change, make a lot of money. They lose a lot of money. Your job as a committed partner is simply to ride the waves with the person you love, no matter where they are. Because after all, none of these waves move. And you just end up with each other.

"Two years ago, I suddenly started resenting my wife for whatever reason. I felt like we were walking together, doing a very good job of co-existing and co-parenting, but not establishing a real relationship. It deteriorated to such an extent that I thought to separate from it; However, whenever I thought deeply about the matter, I could not pinpoint a single issue that was a deal breaker. I knew her to be a wonderful person, mother and friend. I shook my tongue a little and hoped that sickness would come suddenly. Luckily, it did, and I love her more than ever. So, the last bit of wisdom is for your spouse to take advantage of the doubt. If you are happy for such a long period, then this is the case for good reason. Be patient and focus on the many aspects that still exist that made you fall in love at first. "

- Kevin

I want to thank all the readers who took the time to write something and send it to me. As always, it was very humbling to see the wisdom and experience of life. Many, many, many excellent responses were filled with compassionate advice. What ended here was hard to pick, and in many cases, I could put up with a dozen different quotes that said almost the exact same thing.

Exercises like this amaze me because when you ask thousands of people for advice about something, you expect to get thousands of different answers. But I have done so on another subject, and in both cases, most of the advice has overlapped to a great extent. It shows you how similar we really are. And no matter how bad things happen, we are never alone as we think.

I will conclude this by summarizing the advice in a clear section. But once again, a reader named Margo did it better than me:

“As long as you are not destroying yourself or each other, you can work through anything. This means that emotionally, physically, financially or spiritually. Do nothing for discussion. Never feel shy or mocked for the things you do that make you happy. Write down why you fell in love and read it every year on your anniversary (or more often). Write love letters to each other often. [Put] each other first.

- Chris

One of the hundreds of emails I received is sticking with me. A nurse has written that she worked with several pediatric patients. One day, she was talking to a man in the late 80s about marriage and why her marriage lasted so long, and she said, "Relationships exist in the form of waves - people need to know Is how to ride them. " Left. Says, like the ocean, are continuous waves of emotions moving within a relationship - some waves last for hours, some months or years. The key to success is to understand that some of those waves have nothing to do with the quality of the relationship - people lose jobs, family members die, couples move, careers change, make a lot of money. A lot of their wealth is lost. Your job as a committed partner is simply to ride the waves with the person you love, no matter where they are. Because after all, none of these waves move. And you just end up with each other.

"Two years ago, I suddenly started nagging my wife for whatever reason. I felt like we were walking together, doing a great job of co-existing and co-parenting, but the actual relationship was established. Were not doing. It deteriorated to such an extent. I thought about being different from it; however, whenever I thought deeply about the matter, I could not pinpoint a single issue that was a deal breaker. . me Knew that she is a wonderful person, mother and friend. I shook my tongue a little bit. And hopefully the disease will come on suddenly. Luckily, it did, and I love her more than ever. So, my It is the last bit of wisdom for a spouse to take advantage of doubt. If you are happy for such a long period of time, then this is the case for good reason. Be patient and focus on many aspects that are important. Also present that had fallen in love before. "

- Kevin

I want to thank all the readers who took the time to write something and send it to me. As always, it was very humbling to see the wisdom and experience of life. Many, many, many excellent responses were filled with compassionate advice. It was difficult to choose what ended up here, and in many cases, I could put up with a dozen different quotes that said almost the same thing.

Such practices amaze me because when you ask thousands of people for advice about something, you expect to get thousands of different answers. But I have done so on another subject, and in both cases, most of the advice has been largely done. It shows you how similar we really are. And no matter how bad things are, we are never alone as we think.

I will conclude this by summarizing the advice in a clear section. But once again, a reader named Margo described it better than me:

“As long as you are not destroying yourself or each other, you can work through anything. This means that emotionally, physically, financially or spiritually. Do nothing to discuss. Never feel ashamed or amused for the things you do that make you happy. Write down why you fell in love and read it every year on your anniversary (or more often). Write love letters to each other often. [Put] each other first.

Relationship advice - 1,500 people followed all the rules